Novocaine

Yesterday, I was in such a fog that, for most of the day, I managed only to stare blankly into space, occasionally collapsing into tears.  I cried in front of the TV, in front of the computer, in bed, and at the dining room table.  Here is what I ate:

Breakfast: toast with peanut butter, two cups of coffee

Lunch: A handful of Pringles

Dinner: The innards of a six-inch Subway sandwich

Middle of the night: Saltine crackers with low-fat cheese

Today, I got up and went to work, feeling muddled, but forced to deal with the outside world.  Here is what I ate:

Breakfast:  Two old-fashioned donuts

Lunch: A classic skillet (potatoes, eggs, peppers, onions, cheese) with bacon and pancakes at IHOP

Midday: Two chocolate cupcakes, a bag of Skittles, and an entire packet of Orbit gum

Dinner: Cheeseburger and fries

I read once that suicidal people kill themselves right when they’re coming out of their depressions, since they’re too weak to do it at the depths, but they can plan as soon as they’re feeling better.

I feel like that with my eating sometimes:  when I’m at the lowest point, I don’t care about food.  I’m too numb to think about food.  When I’m just slightly improved, I have just enough strength to try eating myself out of my mood, or maybe taking the edge off the numbness makes me feel pain and drive me to eat.

Whatever the case, it’s almost enough to make me want to be utterly, totally numb all the time.

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